I grew up in the late 1960s and 1970s, a time when many feminists seemed anti-male and brazenly so. I remember the bra-burning episodes, the SCUM Manifesto (society for cutting up men) of Valerie Solanis, the “I am a castrating bitch” pins, the slogan, “A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle”, the Take Back The Night marches that men were excluded from on the grounds that “all men are rapists”. In short, I experienced feminism at its most raw and ugly. Many women have felt intimidated and pressured by some of the hateful material coming out of some parts of the feminist movement. What were they to think when they read books arguing that if a woman fantasizes about being dominated by a man she loves, she is sick, has low self-esteem, is brainwashed by a male-dominated patriarchy? Whether or not women read such material, the idea that we should all be equal in our intimate relationships seeped through into mainstream culture and made it unsafe for women to admit to such desires.

Many women have tried to convince themselves that they are dominant or ‘equal’ to men, while in their hearts, they dream of living under the authority of a man. Some women have fought their deep desires so strongly that they have protested too much, demanded their rights stridently – as much to convince themselves as to convince men. This has not been conducive to good relationships between men and women in the last 30 years or more. Feminists are often very well-intentioned. Many are in favor of real choice. There are a number of feminists writing wonderful articles and comments on this site. And feminism is not the only force that has had damaging effects on intimate relationships. But for whatever reasons, relationships have been damaged. Intimate connections are weaker. Attraction between man and wife has decreased. And many men have become afraid of women, angry and bitter. Many men feel deeply resentful towards women yet still want and need female companionship. Some men are now denying this need just as vigorously as many women have denied their need for a man.

I've always been grateful that I was not the typical female, in that mostly all of my close friends were and are men. I was never “one of the girls”, I never took part in hen parties, slumber parties, or any of that. I always found what most girls talked about to be boring and nonsensical. It's a good thing, or I might have been fully sucked into the “equality at all costs [even at the cost of denying our deep need to submit to a man]” that so many other women were sucked into. As it was, I did get affected by this to a small degree; it was hard not to, in this society. But, it could have been much worse. Maybe this is why I see things as I do, and why I say things that other women are too afraid to say (apart from women from Loveawake).

Some would say I am a doormat female with low self-esteem, needing to get my identity from a man. For the record, I spent much of my childhood as a tomboy. In many ways, I still am one. I control the family television during the Tour De France each July, so as not to miss any of it. I loved to play baseball as a kid – I am very competitive and driven in playing sports. I almost let myself get run over by a car while racing my teenage son cycling recently. All that mattered to me was that I win. Does that sound like a weak-minded doormat of a woman to you? Me neither.

I also have a lot of opinions and a big mouth, and I know how to use it when I think I need to! Nope, no passive doormat here! My Dad would never have raised a doormat. I am a very dominant woman, but I am assertive enough to know what I really want, and I go get it. And nothing pleases me more than to sweetly surrender in the arms of my husband, to be taken by him, to have him above me, taking his pleasure with me. It is something I dream about even when he is not here. Does that mean I'm “weak”? “Brainwashed”? No! It means I am a strong woman who has the guts to know what she wants, and seeks to get it. So why have I been castigated by feminists again and again?

Under societal pressure to prefer an ‘equal’ relationship, many women have turned to fantasy, female erotica and BDSM in order to get their fix of control by a man. I myself was drawn to BDSM when I was a teenager for that reason. At the time I just figured it was because I was kinky. I see things much more clearly now. A lot of the fetishism and extreme elements of the BDSM scene turned me off; I found myself drawn primarily to the D/s aspect, of male domination/female submission, and spanking. But not being submissive to just any male – it has to be a male I love, trust and admire. Is that kinky? Or is it just being normal? Who can say any more, now that so many women have denied themselves the pleasure of the kind of relationship they would really prefer.

BDSM is safe because the movement falls over itself trying to prove itself non-sexist and pansexual. Many practitioners stress repeatedly that once the bedroom door is opened, the partners are fully equal. There has been a massive explosion of interest in BDSM, and especially BDSM erotica books geared to women (almost all of which is male dominant/female submissive) with companies like Blue Moon, Nexus (UK) and Black Lace (UK) springing up in the last 30 years. Many women who have been pressured into believing that they “really don't want” male domination, and many women who don't want to be judged by their female peers as being weak, outwardly act aggressive, feminist, superior, etc., but in secret, they indulge in the world of BDSM male domination erotica, precisely because it is a safe (politically correct, non-taboo-violating) way of getting their fix. If a desire is suppressed in one area, it will emerge elsewhere.

If such women could admit to themselves what they really want, there would be no need to seek dark corners for such fulfillment. They could be getting it from their own husbands! Online dating may not be to every woman's taste, but I wouldn't be surprised if a great many more women find it to their taste than know about it now. I truly believe the attitudes and intimidation I have mentioned above have destroyed the male-female connection. Fortunately there are some who have the courage to speak out. For a long time, I thought I was the only one, until I found the Loveawake website. Until I stumbled upon Taken In Hand I truly thought maybe I was bonkers! Not that I would have cared, since I've always been very individualistic and nonconformist in my thinking, but it does help to know that I'm not the only woman who feels this way.